Aug 10

Just breathe

I’m back in San Francisco after two years living in Barcelona.  My mind and heart are bouncing all over the place.  Living in Barcelona with my family had been a long-standing dream of mine, since even before I had a family.

I spent a year and half there in my early twenties.  It was a place where I started to become me, where I stepped into myself in a new way.   These last two years have been a new stepping into myself.  And now I find myself back in San Francisco, unsure of what it all means.  I keep telling myself…just breathe.

I had a moment a few weeks ago when it dawned on me that I have lived my dream.  I took my family to Barcelona and we made a life there.  But now what?  Is being in San Francisco now my dream?  I’m not sure anymore and I’m feeling unmoored because of it.  But I tell myself…just breathe.  I don’t need to know this minute or this week, or even this month.  What I do need to do is get engaged with life here for as long as I am here.  And that’s what I’m working toward.

My first symbolic act of that is to do something I have always wanted to do in California.  It’s one of those “I’m not sure why I want to do this so badly, but I do” things.  I want to climb Half Dome in Yosemite.  And so I’m going to do it some time in September, after the summer crowds and before the snow.  I feel like if I can make this happen, then I won’t fall prey to doubts and complacency.  I imagine being in the Sierras and breathing in the mountain air as I go through things that have been in our attic for two years and wonder why we still have them, as I call Barcelona to cancel our cell phones, as I notice and feel the effect of having other people live in our house for two years, as I take in this new life.  Just breathe.